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| Everytime I get on the computer, I check and see if you've posted or signed on or something.
I'm always disappointed...
I wish you'd come home.
I miss you so much.
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| It was only a matter of time before I got to this point. I'll keep coming back to this place, and I'll keep dwelling on it. That's just my nature. I remember out of all the arguments and tense silences we had, Mejenta offered one bit of advice that's stuck with me. I don't have an answer for it. Out of all my vices, perhaps the greatest most damaging one is that I accept all of my vices, and I don't take actions to fix them. Even know I wonder, why should I?
I don't know what has me thinking of her today. Maybe when I get low I get the urge to pick at her. Yes, to make myself feel better. Convinced I'm terrible yet? I admit it, ugly truth, and I feel nothing about it. I only feel the possible judgment, and still, that isn't enough to make me erase it.
In school, things are fine. I'm learning that my mid-semester grades are good. I can handle work. I've opened a bank account.
I learned today that my grandma was robbed of her things. Things of value and I could only think, "Well that's what she gets." She asked for it by pushing me and Tammy away. They keep informing me of her condition and all the stuff happening, but I can't say I honestly care much. Some of my things were carelessly thrown away. There are losses that I can't imagine, but I think to myself, I've come this far without them...so it isn't so bad.
I was talking to Vikki, and I told her my concerns. She told me that usually when people feel that way, it's true. I told her that I just didn't want to believe it, and she told me she understands. I believe that she does. It's possible she could be telling me these things with the hope that I would break things off, but it is also possible that there is some truth in what she is saying. I don't know what I will do, but I know I'm disturbed, and I can't keep doing this. It feels like just tossing your cover over your bed, even though the sheets beneath are crumpled and probably dirty. No one knows it's there, but I do.
I was dreading November.
I don't feel toward November anymore.
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| I didn't go to school today, but no big deal. My stupid self left the binder at home, and I hate going places unprepared. I would have sat and brooded about it. So I took the day off. After making sure I could handle it, of course. I can, and will. No big deal at all.
Gossip Girl was pretty okay last Monday. It didn't get a lot of good reviews, and I can see why. People overlooked all the seeds that the first episode planted. What, did they expect for someone to die over summer? All secrets to be told within the first thirty minutes? Give me a break, impatient America.
It was so obvious that things are going to, hm, let's see here, how shall I phrase this?
Develop throughout the season.
I'm excited for that to happen, anyhow. Like Rufus and Lily's son. Serena and Carter? Not too interested. I'm getting kind of bleh about Serena. Don't much care about Nate, either. More wondering about Dan and Georgina. Wow, wow. Or the son and Vanessa. They kissed, but I'm almost sure he's using her to get closer to Dan, to get closer to this parents. I wonder if he's bitter or anything.
School news, everything is going great, never been easier.
Dreading November.
Feel my heart breaking.
Ah, my toe is numb. Been numb since Friday...
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| First day on the job was pretty chill, it was just training. Second day was better, though the slow points in the day are where the real work starts. Finding something to do is the worst, ever. You can't just stand there, looking around. I find myself frequently washing dishes, or washing my hands. I made smoothies today, may have gotten a recipe wrong once. I'm having trouble with the splenda smoothies (of course) and getting the smoothie out of the blender. I'm just worried business will pick up, and I'll freeze up or do something wrong.
My long day of school is tomorrow. Not looking forward to that. Before school, I have to go get my health card with Kenneth, which I'm excited for. I want to get it over with. Got a month to watch the movie, we'll probably go back when we both have free time. My schedule has been pretty packed, thankful I can crash with Kenneth. People are naturally busting my balls. I need to send my mom pictures, which I don't want to do. I'm not sending her my prom pictures, they look like crap. Sorry, refuse.
:]
Maybe I'll take picture especially for her, or something. Psh, when I have time.
Can't wait for Gossip Girl next Monday~
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| I'm sitting here feeling depressed and alone.
So much good has happened, but despite being eighteen and in college, I still feel like such a child. I've learned today from a few separate incidences that you won't be able to depend on a single soul, no strings attached. They either want to control you, because you're indebted to them, or they want to take their time because after all, it is their time. And they make sure you know this. The fact that they are doing you the favor puts them above you. They don't have to adjust their schedules to accommodate you; it's enough they're even doing anything for you.
Today I got the job. It's right down the street from Kenneth's house, which would make it a breeze if I spent the night at his house. The pros outweigh the cons, and I can't even think of any cons. I won't have to spend money on the bus, which I need to get to school anyway. I can walk if I really need to. I don't have to get all sweaty being on the bus. The idea was rejected vehemently by Tammy, and what she says is law.
Because she took me in, because she supported me through so much, because she pays my phone bill, and because she's still supporting me, it would be the hugest disrespect to go ahead and do it anyway. That would be like, "Fuck what you think, this is what I want to do." What's fucked is that she didn't really give me an option either way. Even though I'm eighteen, she shoved it down my throat that it would be a mistake, I shouldn't have to depend on anyone, and she disagreed no matter what I said. She said I could do whatever I wanted, and I'd have to deal with the consequences. Which, unfortunately, may or may not have included getting kicked out. If I went, I'm fucked. If I didn't, then I'm letting her control me like a child. I don't have my freedom. She's taking advantage of the fact that I do need her. Smart move. Beat me while I'm down.
My mom is on me about going shopping. She sent me money to go and get some food for the house, which I appreciate. However, this comes along with a guilt trip. She'll get snappy at me, question why I haven't gone to the store yet. I haven't had the chance, and I don't have a car. Once I spend it, I'll be indebted to her, too. I'll have to pay her back eventually, and if something happens in the future, and she needs help, she'll bring up this incident.
Because everyone is out to keep you down if you need them. Needing someone and depending on them, accepting their assistance...it's not worth being their slave in the end.
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